Can you really be yourself around your spouse?

Exactly how comfortable are you with being your "real" self around your husband?  Do you let him see you naked? Without makeup?  Do you burp or pass gas in front of him?  Can you truly be and act like yourself?

(remember, at when you respond, you do NOT have to leave your name, email or link to your blog… but if you want to – feel free)



91 thoughts on “Can you really be yourself around your spouse?

  1. just me

    Yes – for the most part I can be completely myself with him. Except for I don’t enjoy having him see me naked.

  2. Anonymous

    Sure, I can physically be myself around my husband – burping, no makeup, naked, all that jazz. But I keep myself emotionally distant. I’m struggling with postpartum depression, and never feel like I can talk to him or let him know how I really feel about things.

  3. fiveinthehive

    I could be myself when we first met, but now I am only myself when I get angry enough at his attempt at controlling behavior that I put him back in line and he remembers what attracted him to me in the first place.

  4. Maria

    Absolutely. I believe that relationships main work is to help each other grow…how could we grow if we aren’t completely honest with each other?

  5. Kelly D

    Most of the time. I don’t like being naked – it has nothing to do with me not wanting him to see me naked though. Other than that, yes, I’m a what you see is what you get gal.

  6. betty

    Yea i can be myself with him hes my best friendm dont need makeup or other things, he loves me just the way i am. thank-you

  7. Pamela Wegner

    Yes I can be myself around my husband we have been married for 27 years and have been myself for most of that time so I am very comfortable around him.

  8. midwest girl

    I am always 100% myself around my husband. I honestly feel sorry for anyone who isn’t because that is why you marry someone, if you can’t be yourself around them, you shouldn’t have married them.. thats what is wrong with marriages today!

  9. Hopelessly Devoted

    Always…even more so that with anyone in my life. He has brought out the me that I always hid as a teenager and in any other relationship that I have been in. Prior to being married I was a bit of a doormat, now I am a strong confident women who knows that I am loved for who I am, regardless of what comes out of my mouth, or how I look. Although I don’t like to be naked around him, but that is much more my problem than anything else.

  10. m

    I used to be comletely comfortable. Walking around with little or nothing on around him, speaking my mind, everything! Now it’s six months after the birth of our third child and I can’t even bring myself to let him hold me. It’s nothing he did, but how drastically my body has changed in the last 5 years. I had three children in 5 years, so my body looks like hell. But let’s face it I never had a good one to begin with. I developed early and got a lot of stretchmarks when I was ten. I never enjoyed my body like a lot of other women did. I feel like I never had a chance and now it’s worse than I ever thought it could be.
    I struggle with this all the time and sometimes it flares up and I can’t be around him. He knows that I’m battling this but he doesn’t know what to do to help so he keeps his distance knowing I’ll just put up a wall if he gets too close.
    I don’t know what to do either.

  11. Anonymous

    So comfortable it freaks other people (who obviously don’t have that) out. BUT I don’t like my body so, I hide in the day light :).

  12. Anonymous

    I do it all in front of him – passing gas, bumping, naked etc. I’m not as comfy as I was “pre-chldren” being naked but that doesn’t stop me. I definitely don’t walk around naked anywhere near as much as I used to.

  13. Anonymous

    Wow!! You girls are so lucky. I can’t be myself at all around my husband. He’s very judgemental. He criticizes pretty much everything I do. That includes the way I breath at night when I’m sleeping, how much I eat, what music I listen to, what movies and TV shows I watch, etc. He also criticizes my parenting ability. I’m an excellent Mom. I’m now learning, aftr 6 years of marriage, that he comes by this naturally. His Mom is exactly the same way. Not about me, but about many other things and people in life. It’s really sad. I’m thinking about leaving him over this because my self esteem is worse now than it was when I first met him and I weighed almost 300 lbs. I’ve lost a lot of weight since then and I’m still not good enough for him.

  14. Veronica

    Yes! My hubby is a gift from heaven! I love it that I can be just getting out of bed, no make up, messy hair and he still thinks I’m beautiful!

  15. Anonymous

    Yes I can be myself around him. After 11 years of marriage and four kids… I can still walk around naked and even though I may not like the way my body looks… he makes it an issue to let me know that he is still attracted to me and my body. He love to make love with some light on to look at me and that makes me feel GREat. The only thing that I may keep hidden are some sexual fantasies. I know he wouldn’t mind some but some he may not…

  16. Anonymous

    I have a split personality: who I am with my husband and who I am with my friends. I’m sad to say he doesn’t know the real me. I wish he could, but he’s so damn critical and judgemental I’m scared to even try!

  17. Anonymous

    Unfortunately, I am not completely myself with my husband. His expressions of distaste and his criticism of things or thoughts that don’t agree with his own keep me from being completely open with him. I love him with all my heart and know there is no better man out there for me. He is not controlling in any way but I tend to keep quite a bit to myself for fear of rejection.

  18. Jennifer

    I have been with my husband for 7 years (I am 24) He knows me in and out for who I really am. We base our marriage on trust and giving eachother the freedom to be who we really are. Sometimes I get into trouble being myself because HIS family is really judgemental of me and my family. They are crazy but thats a different thread haha.

  19. Lydia

    yes I am and it is a relief. My first husband always told me how fat I was. My husband now is so loving I love being a free spirit around him.

  20. Crystal

    Yes, in fact, he’s the ONLY person in the world with whom I am completely comfortable. He knows the good, bad, and the ugly sides.. and yet he still loves me. He’s the only one I trust enough to show my real self.

  21. Katie

    OMGosh!! I can’t imagine not being me around him!! He’s my bestfriend and the only person who REALLY knows me & STILL loves me. We really took our wedding vows seriously. LOL

  22. Joey

    I think I’m some times I’m more relaxed around him than other times. Sometimes he has this face that says: “I’m not in the mood for you now.” Then I’ll just back off and ignore him until he feels better. Most of the time, I’m just myself. I meen, what would he be still doing here if he didn’t like who I am. That’s why I don’t believe in being something you are not. (Except in front of his mother of course)

  23. christie

    oh wow!! how many times do we get this question from our friends. During my first marriage I was really young so yes, I felt really comfortable, but in my second marriage, after 3 kids, a hysterectomy and 10 years of “oh my god I am gettin old” looks in the secret mirror, no I am not really that comfortable streaking, passing gas or putting the stripper heels on and shacking my thang anymore!!!!

  24. Amy

    Yes, definitely. He is the ONLY person I have ever been completely comfortable around … gas, burping, emotional and crazy, angry, mean, dirty, sick, naked … Man, I wish I had the body I had when I was 18, but for some reason my husband thinks I’m hot and sexy! So, whenever I get the chance I relish putting on the “stripper heels and shaking my thang” LOL I’m sure no one else wants to see the REAL me, but he loves it and I’m happy to oblige lol

  25. Anonymous

    To an extent. I am comfortable saying what is on my mind but I don’t pass gas in front of him – I never have done that with anyone. I’m also not very comfortable being naked in front of him because I think he’s critical of me. It could be that he isn’t and actually thinks I’m beautiful but I have no idea because he doesn’t ever tell me unless I ask him, and who believes that? He also isn’t very affectionate. He is a very sweet and sensitive man but doesn’t verbalize anything. I love him but I’m not sure why I wanted to marry him at this point. After 3.5 years of marriage I feel like I’m emotionally drained and I’m afraid I’m in love with another man (who actually gives me attention.)

  26. Anonymous

    I’m jealous of the SO many women who said, “Yes.” I would give anything to feel accepted by my husband. He always tell me I’m beautiful. That’s not the problem. But he criticizes my parenting, my ideas, my politics, my judgement. The kids get it too… and they love it when he works late. It gets old.

  27. Anonymous

    Physically yes — I’m pretty comfy in my own skin (slightly less postpartum) and he seems to think I’m sexy even with morning breath and ned head. But emotionally not so much. Discussions with him go nowhere. We have totally different morals and values and I’ve become tired of arguing trying to change him or understanding him. I just focus my emotional energy into my child.

  28. Anonymous


  29. peeking in

    My husband and I will be celebrating our 10 year annv. this Christmas and I have always felt I could be myself around him. But as the years go by it seems I can be myself even more than before. I know that doesn’t sound right, but we have grown closer with each passing hardship. I can’t see my life or myself exisiting with out him.

  30. Shauna

    The answer to this is a HUGE no! I used to… But then he became judgmental. I don’t even know who “I” am anymore!

  31. Anonymous

    No. When I am Myself around my husband is when we have the worst arguments. He doesn’t like the real me very much. He likes the idea of me better.

    I wish I could be myself around him, but he has made so many comments about things I care for that were negative I don’t even want to try now.

    I know that the day will come when I simply say the hell with it, and am myself 100 %. He will probably have a cow. I am afraid it would end our marriage..and our kids are still I just put a lid on Me for now.
    I tease that once I am in my 50’s I am going to just become this hippy lady who talks to her plants and cats and walks around in birkenstocks and hangs out at weird festivals… but really, I know that once my kids are adults, My time will come.
    In the meantime, I do a few things that show the true me, but only a few..and only around my closest girl friends. I look forward to the day when the real me can finally Emerge.

    I just hope my kids can forgive me.

  32. Anonymous

    I think when we dated I was for the most part. but now no I am not at all who I want to be when he is around. Cuz he hates those kind of people so maybe he really hates me.

  33. Anonymous

    My husband and I can hardly speak to each other without arguing about something. It is almost always something really stupid, too! For example, in the morning we both come downstairs for coffee. Today, he was on the computer when I came down stairs. I asked him what he was doing. He said he was “facebooking” and I simply asked who are you facebooking with at 7:00am? I didn’t mean anything by it. We both use facebook to talk to all of the same people, so it was really just a question. “Who are you chatting with, reading a note from, etc….” He got all defensive and assumed I thought that he is on the computer too much or that maybe I might think he is talking to someone I wouldn’t approve of. I don’t think either of those things, but he just freaks out on me over stupid stuff. Another good example would be if he is doing something in the next room and I ask him, “What-cha up to in there?”. He will totally flip out and get all defensive and he might not be doing anything in there apart from playing scrabble on his PDA. It’s stupid, really. I can’t talk to him, so I just have to be myself around other people. I don’t know what is going to happen to us. We have been married for 2 years and have a little girl, too.

  34. Anonymous

    I could pass gas and burp in front of my husband – but I think those things are disgusting and better done privately. It’s simple respect for others. I don’t do that in front of friends, children or anyone else – why would I do it in front of the man that loves me and says I am beautiful. (NOT) I do end up naked but I don’t do it purposely and that is only due to my hang-ups. I like a dark room! I also don’t believe the ability to pass gas and burp in front of your man makes for a good or bad relationship. It’s just your choice if you are comfortable doing stuff like that.

  35. lost

    I can burp, go naked, go without maked up (easy one since I never wear any lol), etc.. That’s all physical.

    Unfortunately, I don’t feel like I can be the “me” I am around friends. A friend would see me as a talker. Someone who laughs and who makes up sarcastic/silly jokes all the time. I dance and sing around friends. I give opinion on subjects and can speak intelligently.

    My husband is so judgmental and sarcastic (mean sarcasm) towards me that the silly, risk taking, quick witted, IQ 132 joker turns into this meek little mouse who has to dodge huge ostrich size eggshells when he’s around.

    My real flaw is that I’m a peacekeeper by nature. He’s like a bull in a china shop.

    I lose my voice, literally. It’s like the volume level gets stuck at one. So, he gets mad and yells at me for mumbling or he ignores me completely. Then he wonders why I don’t sit and watch tv with him (what HE wants to watch). His presence makes me nervous most of the time.

    I was once a woman who landed a TV production job through the power of my kick-butt cover letter. Now I’m a SAHM who wonders who the heck would hire me if HE can’t even stand me. I sit and cry looking through job sites.

    I’m sure this is part of the reason he’s like this. He doesn’t respect me not bringing in $$ and not being a complete neat freak. This can be the only inference I can come up with for the little passive-aggressive random jabs he makes at me daily (over buying a magazine for $5, me not noticing hair behind the toilet, $10 long distance calls to my mom, etc..).

    Ironically, he gets mad at his mother for the way she treats everyone. She makes jabs at her husband, tells him what to do, etc.. Oh the irony.

  36. Anonymous

    No. Not in the least. He is not my safe place. I act around him like I would an angry stranger. Actually worse than that. He does know me and doesn’t like a single thing about me. I really mean that – not a single thing.

  37. Anonymous

    Not really any more. Been married 30 years and for the last 2 it seems I can do nothing right. I watch everything I say and pretty much walk on egg shells around him. I save all my receipts so he can see how much I saved(coupons,sales.etc.) Never buy myself anything unless ABSOLUTELY neccessary. He liked me the way I was 30 years ago but now all he seems to want from me is to be or act like someone else. I have totally lost myself. Have NO self esteem left. Do not think he really wants to be with the real me anymore. Sad isen’t it. But if I do not do and act as he wants then he says he wiil divorce me. After being a stay at home mom I have no work skills so he knows hes got me between a rock and a hard place with nowhere to go. No wonder women want to work outside the home so they don’t end up like me. I just didn’t have the heart or money to send all my children to daycare so I stayed home and raised them. Oh well.

  38. NorthStar4

    I can be and have been completely myself around my good husband. He tells me all the time how pretty he thinks I am–and I have bad skin and bad hair days, post pregnancy stretch marks, etc.
    But I try to remember that when he goes out to work, he sees other women at their best who ARE’NT burping or passing gas or wearing frumpy pajamas, and I make sure he still sees me at my best as much as possible. I don’t worry about him wandering, but I want him to be proud of who he married (so I’m really particular about my looks when I leave the house).
    However, part of our connection/attraction is far beyond looks and I know we have that amazing, deep, unearthly bond. I love him! He just walked in and told me I look good!!

  39. Tammi

    yes I can totally be myself around him. That’s what he loves about me the most. Why be fake. If you can’t be yourself around your spouse then you shouldn’t be with them.

  40. Shannon

    After 20 years of marriage, I am going to have to say, “no”. I am very genuinely happy for all of you who can express who you really are around your spouse. My husband and I married a year out of high school, and I did not realize that his father had such a distaste and disrespect for women. My husband observed the whole world being centered around his father his entire life. His mother now takes care of him as if he were a child. My husband is negative towards me and really shows no interest at all in knowing who I am. I think that I have discovered that he really does not like how I am. He is constantly trying to change me to bend to his thoughts, opinions, etc. He continually speaks down to me. I have tried to bring this to his attention many times and he just says that I don’t get what is going on, which is another put down. Everything is about him. He recently expressed a desire to spend time with the kids and I after not showing much interest in us for awhile. He plea was that he was lonely. Whenever he gets lonely, he wants company, but after we are around him for awhile, he gets short with us and unhappy with everything that we are doing! He likes the idea of a lot of things. He does not romance me in any way and I have never been on a romantic getaway with him. He is very good at portraying the image of a great husband. Most people think that he is good to me. When they are not around, he is cold and indifferent, unless he wants sex, then he gropes me and grabs me and gets intensely mad if I turn him down. He is so disappointed in me most of the time. My self-esteem is low as I am low. My sin is that I have become bitter and defensive after years of emotional cut-downs. I can only wish that someone would show me any attention or interest because they want to know me. His interest in me is to serve him and meet his needs. Otherwise, he has no real desire to know me intimately. Please pray for me. I have no one to talk to at all.

  41. Ally

    YES! But sometimes I wish it wasn’t that way. I wish I could feel like a “better person” and NOT myself when I’m around him — sure, it happens sometimes, but there’s much more farting and burping and “being ourselves” in a somewhat negative way in our time together these days, rather than sharing our previous deep conversations about philosophy, music and literary figures.

  42. freddi

    Yeah, I can. In fact, he’s one of a few people (maybe the only) who really sees the real me. Even though we fight and clash sometimes, it’s comforting to know that he’s seen some really and I mean really ugly sides of me and yet he’s still here. Life isn’t perfect, by far, but basically I can be myself around him. (Okay, I can’t fart. He hates that. Not that I want to. And in 11 years of marriage, he has never farted in my presence. And you know what, I’m okay with that.)

  43. kaivalya

    hi, i’ve never written in one of these personal forums before, but some of your stories have inspired me and helped me and so i would like to express some things myself. i have been in a relationship for three and a half years and i find it really hard to be myself because of many reasons. Critical judgement and negative reactions from my man don’t help, but i have to come to the realisation that the only person responsible for this mistake is me. I can not expect the most important thing ‘loving yourself’ to be easy! it is the gateway to the best things in life – it cannot be easy! i would like to congratulate those of u who can be completely themselves with their better half – im happy for u, keep it up =) but to the rest, who like me find it hard to just let go, think about this…nobody can really stop u from being urself – except YOU! your spouse and everyone else can discourage u through their own behaviour but still that can not stop u- it will only stop u if u let it stop u!

    FEAR is the problem. when you act out of fear and not out of love you are furthering yourself away from who you really are! it is not easy, but i believe it is well worth it. fear is crippling – perhaps the worst disease of the mind and heart.

    everything has its consequences! we can either keep living in fear expecting something miraculous to happen till we can be ourselves, but seriously when will that happen? it has to be us that makes that miracle happen! we have to open the doors to our soul and let our spirit free. NOBODY can do that for us! only we have that power – don’t give that power away!

    love is what we are living for and if we cannot love ourselves, we can not really and truly love an other! writing this is really not only a message to u, but also really helpful to me because i have been thinking about this a lot for a long time, and this is the conclusion i have come to and this is the conscious decision i am taking. i can no longer live in fear, i can no longer be anyone but myself, i can no longer beat myself up for every mistake – shit happens! i need to be strong, believe in myself and accept myself before i point the finger at anyone else for not doing so! i am ready to accept the consequences for being who i am and loving myself, but i am not ready to live in fear and sadness as someone who i am not. besides from what i have learnt through my experience…no matter how much i try to please someone by not being myself, i still never manage to please anyone. so why waste that energy and time? =)

    Love & Compassion to you and all others!

    thank u for listening and sorry for the long post =)

    1. Carol

      GEEEEE!!!!!!! Dear One —- You Nailed it!!!!! I feel sso sad and fearful and my husband has not a clue. He is just himself and has no clue to what i need. He just knows I feel unhappy and stressed and i can’t ever get him to get it. I have to Just go for it. I need to Express myself and since I don’t — I come out angry at him. I love the arts and Have Always been led to think “YOU can’t do that”. I am 64 and come from a musical family that thought girls could’t do that ——- then came marriage and family and work and I feel lost in all that. BUT IS UP to ME to fix it! I have grown resentful to my husband for this —– like life with him stops me ——- Yes i do feel He would say all this is silly. But Is up to me ——– Take care of your own needs and then the rest of the family will be better for it.

  44. Anonymous

    Wow, I thought I could. It seems like all through our dating I was. I always have been. I never hid anything from anyone. Until now… I don’t feel like I can even talk to my husband. Which was in so many ways a forced marriage. We had dated for about 2 years and then I got pregnant… Well, long story short, my CANADIAN baby daddy got stuck in Canada when our son was only 3 days old. In the pressure of everything I went up there and got married, in my jeans and T-shirt with no family or friends there. And then moved all of our stuff up there alone.
    So now I am living in Canada with NO friends or family and a husband who doesn’t like me. As a matter of fact, he told me that he hated me today, and to pack up my shit and leave if I am not happy. Does he not get that I have NO WHERE to go because of him? I am a college graduate who can’t get a job bc of me ViSA status and have less self esteem than I could ever have imagined… Please if you are out there and reading this, don’t get married because you feel like you have to!!! Wait until you want to. Wait until you FEEL loved and can love in return. I love my son so very much and he is the only reason that I am still here. My husband keeps a roof over our heads and food in the babies belly so we are here for now….
    Where is my love potion #9?

  45. anonymouS

    I hear ya sistah! My DH is american and I am Canadian and due to the costly immigration papers … I haven’t been able to properly file papers in 6 plus years… There have been times I have wanted to leave and come back to Canada… The only thing that keeps me here is him. I know God destined me here for a purpose sometimes I have no idea why but I pray and better myself in hopes that my fruits of labour will someday flourish… I have no one but him and his “people” out here but I feel comforted knowing God wouldn’t have me here for no reason…

  46. Anonymous

    For the most part, yes, I am myself around my husband. I do go through minor bouts of depression and I don’t let anyone know when I’m experiencing it. I pretty much put on a “happy face” for him and the kids which I guess you can do if you’re just experiencing mild depression from time to time. My husband just doesn’t understand these kinds of things since he doesn’t experience them so I keep it to myself.

  47. Anonymous

    My husband is one of the only people I can really be myself around. I had trouble with it at first, but after three years of marriage I am absolutely comfortable with him. He’s my best friend, and we don’t hide anything from each other!

  48. Anonymous

    Well, sometimes I can be myself. In the early years I was totally my self. He has an ability to say cruel things when he is angry. That has caused me to not always feel free to be myself. Later when he is angry I’ll hear all about my faults.

  49. DKWTDanymore


  50. anonymous

    my hubby is the only person I can be myself with and not weird him out! I do everything in front of him it doesn’t matter…one time we were at a public park where the bathrooms where closed and there was no locale in site, so we stepped onto a construction site and he looked out for me while I squatted and relieved myself.


  51. Anonymous

    I can do all of the physical stuff…burp, fart, no make-up, etc. But, emotionally, it is so hard. I’m dealing with depression, which is hard for him to understand. He supports my getting meds and therapy, but I often think he doesn’t feel he has to do anything else to support me. It seems like he blames my depression for whatever I’m feeling. Very frustrating!

  52. Anonymous

    No! I feel like he married me because he was 35 and wanted a family. He critisizes everything I do and nothing is ever good enough. My son is not his and he is very hard on him and me. My daughter is perfect in his eyes and even at the young age of 3 has become very dominating and mean even. I so want out of this marrige and cant afford to leave him. I havent worked in years and have bad credit. He used to be my best friend when we were younger and now I just feel like he wants to form me into who he wants and not really pay attention of who I am… He never lets me have a day by myself and has told me he is affraid of me leaving the house to go to the store because I may find someone else in that hour at wal mart…

  53. Anonymous

    I have to say this question really gets to me. I love my husband, but he doesn’t always get things about me, and I often feel the need to keep my mouth shut because he has a tendency to try to “correct” me if I say ANYTHING he doesn’t agree with or he thinks is wrong. Basically, it’s a hit or miss thing with him. Sometimes I can totally let loose and he loves me for it, other times, he can get irritated or angry about something I say or do. I think he has emotional issues, which in turn, makes me have emotional issues. Physically, I feel completely open with him, but mentally and emotionally? Not so much. That isn’t easy to admit.

  54. Anonymous

    Wish I could understand my conflicted feelings. I feel that i’m ignoring my real feelings in order to be a good mother and protect my beautiful baby girl.
    My husband is a good father and man in many ways. So SO why am I up all night, conflicted with if I’m still in love with him. Why I ask this recently found myself having a crush on this guy…he is FUN, silly natured, adventerous and a lot like me. I think for the last years I’ve let this relationship develop even knowing that I didn’t feel he was ever really in too me. I would talk and be ignored, now that I am working out and feeling more confident about myself he’s trying to make efforts…but I have a very dumb feeling and don’t care aobut the gestures. In the back of my head somewhere I feel guilty for my feelings never have I imagined that I would even consider leaving him for my own happiness and feel so selfish. When i look into the eyes of my daughter it crushes me so much. I don’t even know if this other guy likes me back…I would never cheat yet want to kiss this guy so badly. So controversial I know all due to my conflicted heart.
    If I knew this other guy liked me would I act on my feelings? I’d have to be honest my body,heart says yes and my mind no. Just how to know what to do.
    Anyone else in this situation…please please need advice or to know that I’m not a terrible mom for feeling neglected, sexually, as a freind and just want to be admired again.
    This is VERY hard to admit and I have insomia over whole thing. How do I know if the other guy would even consider me?

  55. Mindful Momma

    My dears

    As someone said previously, I think I have NEVER written in one of these forums before. But today I will. Just because someone said something up there that is SO TRUE: When we get married we really have to learn to grow as individuals as well as a couple; so many people get lost in the “he criticizes me, he doesn’t let me be myself”, oh dears, if it’s not your husband, it will be someone else in the future. I’m not saying that you ladies that have critical, mean husbands are entitled to, of course not, and your marriages would probably be so much better if your partners were understanding and loving. Well, I have a tremendously loving and understanding man at my side, but there is still so much FEAR related to my own inner demons. It seriously is no one else than yourself: if you have a great sense of respect for yourself, you would know exactly what to do in this moment. And if you don’t have that sense of respect for yourself, this is a huge test that’s telling you to begin IMMEDIATELY. You have every right to be BEAUTIFUL, GORGEOUS, CREATIVE. As someone said above, if you’re trying so hard with no results, it really doesn’t matter. A person does not love you or treat you right will not change because you make yourself less than what you are.

    So much love for all of you

    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
    Marianne Williamson

  56. Anonymous

    Hell no,
    This just came up yesterday between us. I have been looking into creating an anonymous blog just to vent those feelings I really can’t share with anyone. I’ve kept from him certain passwords ect. He’s suspicious of my recent intrest in keeping my own privacy and ask if he could be my friend on facebook. I blurted out “your not my friend”. So sad, I want a husband that is my best friend but like others have shared he’s down right
    disrespectful of my thoughts, beliefs and feelings and has often used my insecurities to control me. He’s even critisized me for speaking up (and in response to his critisim not speaking first) during our marrige counseling sessions. This leaves me with little hope. We have big issues like a suicidal son that keeps me stuck trying to work things out but because my kids are all effected and growing up ( 2 teens and 2 elementry school age) I feel I don’t have the luxary of time.
    Clinging to an edge of sanity.

  57. Crystal

    At first I had an open mind to him. I was shy, because it was the first stage of the giddyness and omg hes all mine, but as time went on so much happened, giving birth to kids, gaining some weight, getting in outrageous fights…. and on top of that realizing that he holds grudges. Which definitely didnt give me room to grow because he treated me differently then when we first got together. I have tried to be ‘nicer’ and acknowledge his ‘feelings’ and now I’ve come to realize he resents me. I’ve stopped trying to please him and now Im trying to please me… because it was truely making me miserable. Can I be myself around him? Yes. Do I choose to be? Yes. And it seems to me these days, it makes everything worse…but I’m not the one mad here- he is. And do I ignore him resenting me? Hell yes. He wont stop me from being myself. Now, am I comfortable… no, I really have never been comfortable with him.

  58. Guilt

    i cant be my real self. I am out-spoken, friendly but my hubby prefers me to be conservative and quiet when in a group especially when there are other men around even relatives, church mates. I feel uncomfortable and uneasy. That is not the real me. Behind him, i gel well with friends, colleagues and even have lunches with them. All these my hubby is not aware. He would kill me for sure if he finds out!!

  59. her

    My husband of 4 years (I married at 21, he was 27. We knew eachother 7 months beforehand, 4 of which he was in prison in another state.) is like my very best friend. If he wasn’t my husband, I could tell him everything. Since we’ve been together he has grown steadily more jealous, controlling, resentful, and codependent. He is a drug addict and an alcoholic. He is a terrible provider, unless he is selling drugs. I don’t have any interest in sex or spending time with him, especially if he’s all effed up. I am an out-going, talkative, joking, intelligent, beautiful woman and with him i am not allowed to have friends or go out. But, it is okay for him to go out, not come home, lose money, etc. In our marriage it’s been one thing after another. Codependence, our 3 year old son, and fear keep me married. Anyone else out there understand, empathize, have advice on my situtation? My marriage is super comfortable, but very unhealthy. I love him, but I am definitely not in love. I can barely stand him at all anymore. I come from a Catholic background, and I am Christian so I am only supposed to marry once and it is forever, but what about being me? Not in a metaphorical sense, but literally….

  60. anonymous

    No way! He’s horrible. Nitpicky, critical. If I burped or farted, he made a big announcement to everyone, so I learned to keep things quiet. He doesn’t know the “real” me anymore, because in the past, he didn’t like the real me. So I fake everything with him, everything!!

  61. TheCrusher

    I go without makeup once in a while, but all the other stuff I have always been modest about. When growing up I wouldn’t even change clothes in front of my own twin! With the bodily functions stuff I have always thought that’s best left a private matter, those things make a person seem uglier when you’re mad at them. Nasty habits just seem worse when you’re having a rough patch in a relationship.

  62. Bumb1edee

    Absolutely not. After 25 years married I am living in the wreckage of a dreadful marriage with an overbearing, critical man who demands reasons for my actions but then calls them excuses. He doesn’t know me any more and in truth I don’t recognise him much anymore. He is fixated on controlling lots of my life including my spending even down to the groceries I buy. I recognise so much of what has already been said. Somehow I am still independant in mindand upbeat but it’s a constant struggle and I love the days and nights he spends away and so do the children. When I think back I used to cry when we were first apart – not any longer, so don’t think it can’t happen to you because it can. Told him to move to the spare room for some distance between us and now feel so much better in my own space. Baby steps towards independance but will be free one day

  63. candy

    I know exactly how some of you are feeling . Bee with my husband ten years and he’s always been a little critical or controlling . He’s never let me have my own friends or go out on my own although it’s okay for him. He’s kinda private about his phone and Facebook, and won’t let me have a Facebook. Almost everything I do isn’t good enough. I feel like I try so hard to make him happy, but always fail. I hate myself sometimes. He hardly spends time with me, never compliments me or intimate with me. He has been very loving in the past, but the distant feeling between us is feeling stronger and I do llovelove him

  64. Emily

    I appreciate my spouse but everyday I live in constant stress. I feel as if all he does is watch me to see what mistake I am going to do so he can judge me about it. For example; in the mornings when I leave from work I get so stressed out to make sure I turn the car on right because sometimes if you turn the key a little too much it makes a noise. Well, I get so stressed out about that I get a headache. Another example; if I forget something or forget to call somewhere. In short I am living a stressful and worrying life. I try so hard to not make a mistake that I make more than usual.

  65. Sammi

    I have not problems being naked around my husband, my body isnt perfect I’ve had three children, but my big problem I never feel like I can be my self. I’m kind of a silly person with a wild and off the wall personality. This started in the beginning of our relationship. He is older than me and told me I’m immature. He even went as far as saying he was embarressed of me. He never give me compliments or says anything to boost my confedince only put downs and telling me I’m wrong. I’ve slowly let go of myself the silly wild person, and attempt to be all the things he wants me to be. I can’t help but think I’ll be better when I’m older. I can’t tell him what in my mind or what I want, not because he tells me not too, but because this constant feeling that I’ll disappoint. He has all control and has no problem saying the words that hurt the most.. (I told him these hurtful things, and he uses them to keep me in line) I’m a good looking lady I’m not perfect but I hear daily how beautiful I am, but never from my husband. I googled I can’t be myself, and found this site so my rant of relationship problems end here. We have been going to therapy but it is not helping if anything it seems to be making things worst rather than better. I gave up all my independence to be with him, my house, my car, and my friends and I feel like its all in vain.

  66. Anonymous

    Nope not at all. It’s really depressing and hard for me right now. I’m very out going and spontaneous and he needs to control everything. I can’t even tell me what’s bothering me without criticism. Way more to it but don’t want to talk a about it now as it’s Thanksgiving and yeah his family treats me the same……well going back to being a wallflower.

  67. ashley

    I’ve been with my husband for 7 years and married for 3. I honestly cant be myself around him. I used to in the beginning but now all I feel is as if im walking on eggshells. I always have to watch what I say how I say it and make sure not to make a joke about certain things cuz he takes them so seriously. He wants me to be a perfect housewife which in far from but hey I do my best im no nasty person at all means. We have two kids and we are young couple. He is always criticizing me and talking down to me. I cant go anywhere besides grocery shopping by myself and I had to give up all my guy friends cuz he thinks we cant be friends without screwing around. I do love him and am comfortable to an extent. I will fart burp be naked all that jazz but I feel horrible being called fat and he just pictures me as the 17 year old he met 7 years ago. I could go on and on about how controlling cave man style he is to me. I clean cook lay his clothes out for him for the night and morning I get compliments occasionally but if I dont do something he not picks at me for anything. We cant be around each other very long without a ridiculous argument. I’m in and out of depression all the time only happy sometimes and I feel as if im never good enough for him. He has horrible moodswings im thinking bipolar??/ anyways im definitely not myself around him and im scared to start over and leave him. Idk y but I am. When we are apart I do miss him like I wish we could just not be together but be friends or actually be together and not live like we are. Thanks to some of your stories I’ve learned and got the courage to just start being me and see if he really likes ME FOR ME IF NOT BYE BYE LOVE 🙁

  68. Anna

    I think most women can be themselves around their husbands. I can’t however. My husband is extremely judgmental and critical about anything I do and don’t do. I don’t think that is how most men are. Just the man I decided to marry which is quite scary and sad. He didn’t use to be like that so I am not sure how could have foreseen this. Sure I am not the best person I can be, but how can I with him constantly making me feel like I am a failure?

    I think this could drive us to divorce, which I never thought would be possible. Who plans to get a divorce? Nobody. Life happens and at the end of the day you have to do what is best for you. I wonder what people will say because on the surface we are a great couple, but I can’t let that keep me from moving on so I can be a better person without him.

    1. sarah

      your husband would probably be supportive if you were able to communicate to him your perception of him. I might add that your perception of your husband is “your perception”… Have you given your husband the chance to be supportive? Is it possible that you’re putting your shortcomings unfairly on your husband? What would be the worst thing that could happen if you were willing to trust your husband? Have you actually tried to be yourself to see if your perception of your husband is correct, or is it your fear that you won’t be accepted preventing you from being yourself.. This isn’t entirely your husbands fault you know. take a look at your part in this before you throw in the towel. If you can’t do that, i’m willing to bet history repeats itself in your next relationships… Do you really think that all it takes for you to be a better person is leaving your husband. haha you’d probably be better off if you could leave yourself.

  69. Anonymous

    I can be naked, burp, fart Ect but I can’t be myself I made the biggest mistake and told him my past relationships and things about my past as am quite an open person Ive done things am not proud of or silly things I’ve done and look back and cringe but I’ve never had any regrets ive just learned by them up untill now. I think back now and regret everything and my stomach churns in case I bump into an ex or even if its someone I know from where I was brought up cause he’s very inquisitive if its a guy hell say have you been with him? WTF i avoid going any where with him. if I do sumthing wrong like drop sumthing he’ll call me names but if he done it, it’s ok it double standards. Im in my mid 20’s and have 2 kids from the morning I wake up to the last thing at night I do everything for the kids plus I also wrk I thought things would have been equal or had done sort of help i do the bathing, packed lunches, homework u name it i do it I feel emotionally and physically drained and every time I mention it, it turns into an argument. He is a gd guy in his own way he provides for us we have a nice home and are comfortable but for me Thts not enough I need help and support its making me recent him and he wonders y I can’t b arsed getting jiggy with it. He’s eventually told me he thinks he does enough because he works and takes the kids to school in morning all he has to do is get them in the car cause muggings here has already prepared everything and got kids ready before rushing to work so I know nothing’s going to change. I don’t go out or socialise or have any spare time to myself I love my kids and I’m an excellent mum but he doesn’t appreciate what I do. When were in company if am talking hell mimick me and tease me I’ve never really been a confident person but I was always a straight talking person with a personality now I don’t know who I am im like a shadow of myself and my self esteem is lower than ever. I’m sorry if I seem ungrateful please feel free to comment if I’m in the wrong 🙂

  70. Mrs

    I can be myself with everything except my past. He judges me so badly about the life I used to live despite the fact that I’ve become a much better person and regret my past he still brings it up and makes me feel bad for it. I can’t be open about anything except the here and now, or future. If I do open up I get made fun of or judged or he will say horribly mean things to me to make me feel like a burning bag of shit on a door step.

  71. Anonymous

    I love him but he’s to needy and I give him what he needs nurturing his daily needs all I get are complaints and nothing in return. Boo

  72. Anonymous

    Yes to being naked, but it took years! After babies, it really took a while to regain the confidence and trust in myself to rock out any version of my post-baby bods. Luckily, my husband never made me feel ashamed when I was overweight, yet was able to be honest with me when I asked him if “I was fat” or “does this make me look fat”, etc. because he knew I didn’t want to be lied to. He was able to make me realize he truly loved me no matter what, and gave me all the freedom and support to achieve my pre-baby body and helped me wipe my tears when I plateaued and gave me the “are you sure you want that” look when I had started to stray from my goal. SOmetimes it was hard to remember his comments weren’t only selfish as many of us think. His motto, not mine…”A happy, healthy mom is a happy, healthy home”

    Yes to the way I talk and act around him and others whether he’s there or not. I get silly with my book club and girl friends, of course, but no matter what, I make sure not to say or do anything I would regret if he heard or saw first hand.

    No to burping, passing gas or other “gross” stuff like that. It’s not that it’s never happened or that I pretend it doesn’t, or that he’d really care, but I prefer to keep myself appearing as though it’s rare so that he’s not smelling or seeing unnecessary unpleasantries. I may be old fashioned, but after 10 years and two kids, I try to spruce up for him regularly and leave a bit of our “courting” manners in tact.

    No to many things in my past. I was a very different person before him and I’m sure he wouldn’t have felt differently about me, but some things are better left where they are. If it wasn’t relevant, pleasant or specifically asked about, I wasn’t elaborating. And, if it wasn’t asked, I never gave descriptions, names or details about prior relationships. If something comes up or we run into someone thats a big negative, I stay cordial, give only details that need giving and go on my way. He respects that because I don’t pry into areas he’d rather not discuss either.

  73. Me

    Not at all. He was never accepting of me, dismissed all my feelings if they relate to any perceived mistake or flaw on his part, and has now thrown alcoholism into the mix. I’m only here for the kids.


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