Can you really be yourself around your spouse?
June 18th, 2008
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Exactly how comfortable are you with being your "real" self around your husband? Do you let him see you naked? Without makeup? Do you burp or pass gas in front of him? Can you truly be and act like yourself? (remember, at Anonymousmom.com when you respond, you do NOT have to leave your name, email or link to your blog… but if you want to - feel free) |
68 Responses to “Can you really be yourself around your spouse?”
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Yes - for the most part I can be completely myself with him. Except for I don’t enjoy having him see me naked.
Sure, I can physically be myself around my husband - burping, no makeup, naked, all that jazz. But I keep myself emotionally distant. I’m struggling with postpartum depression, and never feel like I can talk to him or let him know how I really feel about things.
Absolutely yes!
I could be myself when we first met, but now I am only myself when I get angry enough at his attempt at controlling behavior that I put him back in line and he remembers what attracted him to me in the first place.
Totally comfortable. He is the ONLY person that I feel that way with. I wish I looked better naked, but oh well!
Absolutely, always comfortable and am myself to the core.
i am myself around my husband. that’s why i married him and that’s why he fell in love with me.
Absolutely. I believe that relationships main work is to help each other grow…how could we grow if we aren’t completely honest with each other?
Depends on the situation.
Most of the time. I don’t like being naked - it has nothing to do with me not wanting him to see me naked though. Other than that, yes, I’m a what you see is what you get gal.
Yes. I feel like I’m more me when I’m with him than without him.
Yea i can be myself with him hes my best friendm dont need makeup or other things, he loves me just the way i am. thank-you
Yes I can be myself. He knows me better than anyone.
He’s so easy going and accepting that I can totally be myself and not worry too much about a negative reaction
Yes I can be myself around my husband we have been married for 27 years and have been myself for most of that time so I am very comfortable around him.
I am always 100% myself around my husband. I honestly feel sorry for anyone who isn’t because that is why you marry someone, if you can’t be yourself around them, you shouldn’t have married them.. thats what is wrong with marriages today!
Always…even more so that with anyone in my life. He has brought out the me that I always hid as a teenager and in any other relationship that I have been in. Prior to being married I was a bit of a doormat, now I am a strong confident women who knows that I am loved for who I am, regardless of what comes out of my mouth, or how I look. Although I don’t like to be naked around him, but that is much more my problem than anything else.
I used to be comletely comfortable. Walking around with little or nothing on around him, speaking my mind, everything! Now it’s six months after the birth of our third child and I can’t even bring myself to let him hold me. It’s nothing he did, but how drastically my body has changed in the last 5 years. I had three children in 5 years, so my body looks like hell. But let’s face it I never had a good one to begin with. I developed early and got a lot of stretchmarks when I was ten. I never enjoyed my body like a lot of other women did. I feel like I never had a chance and now it’s worse than I ever thought it could be.
I struggle with this all the time and sometimes it flares up and I can’t be around him. He knows that I’m battling this but he doesn’t know what to do to help so he keeps his distance knowing I’ll just put up a wall if he gets too close.
I don’t know what to do either.
So comfortable it freaks other people (who obviously don’t have that) out. BUT I don’t like my body so, I hide in the day light :).
I do it all in front of him - passing gas, bumping, naked etc. I’m not as comfy as I was “pre-chldren” being naked but that doesn’t stop me. I definitely don’t walk around naked anywhere near as much as I used to.
Wow!! You girls are so lucky. I can’t be myself at all around my husband. He’s very judgemental. He criticizes pretty much everything I do. That includes the way I breath at night when I’m sleeping, how much I eat, what music I listen to, what movies and TV shows I watch, etc. He also criticizes my parenting ability. I’m an excellent Mom. I’m now learning, aftr 6 years of marriage, that he comes by this naturally. His Mom is exactly the same way. Not about me, but about many other things and people in life. It’s really sad. I’m thinking about leaving him over this because my self esteem is worse now than it was when I first met him and I weighed almost 300 lbs. I’ve lost a lot of weight since then and I’m still not good enough for him.
Yes, that is why I married him. When I am not it is not him, it’s me.
Yes! My hubby is a gift from heaven! I love it that I can be just getting out of bed, no make up, messy hair and he still thinks I’m beautiful!
Yes I can be myself around him. After 11 years of marriage and four kids… I can still walk around naked and even though I may not like the way my body looks… he makes it an issue to let me know that he is still attracted to me and my body. He love to make love with some light on to look at me and that makes me feel GREat. The only thing that I may keep hidden are some sexual fantasies. I know he wouldn’t mind some but some he may not…
I have a split personality: who I am with my husband and who I am with my friends. I’m sad to say he doesn’t know the real me. I wish he could, but he’s so damn critical and judgemental I’m scared to even try!
Unfortunately, I am not completely myself with my husband. His expressions of distaste and his criticism of things or thoughts that don’t agree with his own keep me from being completely open with him. I love him with all my heart and know there is no better man out there for me. He is not controlling in any way but I tend to keep quite a bit to myself for fear of rejection.
I have been with my husband for 7 years (I am 24) He knows me in and out for who I really am. We base our marriage on trust and giving eachother the freedom to be who we really are. Sometimes I get into trouble being myself because HIS family is really judgemental of me and my family. They are crazy but thats a different thread haha.
yes I am and it is a relief. My first husband always told me how fat I was. My husband now is so loving I love being a free spirit around him.
Yes, in fact, he’s the ONLY person in the world with whom I am completely comfortable. He knows the good, bad, and the ugly sides.. and yet he still loves me. He’s the only one I trust enough to show my real self.
OMGosh!! I can’t imagine not being me around him!! He’s my bestfriend and the only person who REALLY knows me & STILL loves me. We really took our wedding vows seriously. LOL
I think I’m some times I’m more relaxed around him than other times. Sometimes he has this face that says: “I’m not in the mood for you now.” Then I’ll just back off and ignore him until he feels better. Most of the time, I’m just myself. I meen, what would he be still doing here if he didn’t like who I am. That’s why I don’t believe in being something you are not. (Except in front of his mother of course)
For sure!! I can say and/or do anything around him!
oh wow!! how many times do we get this question from our friends. During my first marriage I was really young so yes, I felt really comfortable, but in my second marriage, after 3 kids, a hysterectomy and 10 years of “oh my god I am gettin old” looks in the secret mirror, no I am not really that comfortable streaking, passing gas or putting the stripper heels on and shacking my thang anymore!!!!
Yes, definitely. He is the ONLY person I have ever been completely comfortable around … gas, burping, emotional and crazy, angry, mean, dirty, sick, naked … Man, I wish I had the body I had when I was 18, but for some reason my husband thinks I’m hot and sexy! So, whenever I get the chance I relish putting on the “stripper heels and shaking my thang” LOL I’m sure no one else wants to see the REAL me, but he loves it and I’m happy to oblige lol
To an extent. I am comfortable saying what is on my mind but I don’t pass gas in front of him - I never have done that with anyone. I’m also not very comfortable being naked in front of him because I think he’s critical of me. It could be that he isn’t and actually thinks I’m beautiful but I have no idea because he doesn’t ever tell me unless I ask him, and who believes that? He also isn’t very affectionate. He is a very sweet and sensitive man but doesn’t verbalize anything. I love him but I’m not sure why I wanted to marry him at this point. After 3.5 years of marriage I feel like I’m emotionally drained and I’m afraid I’m in love with another man (who actually gives me attention.)
I’m jealous of the SO many women who said, “Yes.” I would give anything to feel accepted by my husband. He always tell me I’m beautiful. That’s not the problem. But he criticizes my parenting, my ideas, my politics, my judgement. The kids get it too… and they love it when he works late. It gets old.
Yep! Myself to the core!
Physically yes — I’m pretty comfy in my own skin (slightly less postpartum) and he seems to think I’m sexy even with morning breath and ned head. But emotionally not so much. Discussions with him go nowhere. We have totally different morals and values and I’ve become tired of arguing trying to change him or understanding him. I just focus my emotional energy into my child.
NO, NOT REALY. SPECIALLY SINCE I HAD MY SON. I FEEL LIKE IM CONSTANTLY BEING JUDGED. I CANT BE HIS 24 YEAR OLD BRIDE. (WE VE BEEN MARRIED 3 MON THS.) IM JUST HERE FOR HIS SON. IM JUST GONNA STOP WRITTING NOW…..
Absolutely yes, he is the only person I can completely be me around.
My husband and I will be celebrating our 10 year annv. this Christmas and I have always felt I could be myself around him. But as the years go by it seems I can be myself even more than before. I know that doesn’t sound right, but we have grown closer with each passing hardship. I can’t see my life or myself exisiting with out him.
The answer to this is a HUGE no! I used to… But then he became judgmental. I don’t even know who “I” am anymore!
No. When I am Myself around my husband is when we have the worst arguments. He doesn’t like the real me very much. He likes the idea of me better.
I wish I could be myself around him, but he has made so many comments about things I care for that were negative I don’t even want to try now.
I know that the day will come when I simply say the hell with it, and am myself 100 %. He will probably have a cow. I am afraid it would end our marriage..and our kids are still young..so I just put a lid on Me for now.
I tease that once I am in my 50’s I am going to just become this hippy lady who talks to her plants and cats and walks around in birkenstocks and hangs out at weird festivals… but really, I know that once my kids are adults, My time will come.
In the meantime, I do a few things that show the true me, but only a few..and only around my closest girl friends. I look forward to the day when the real me can finally Emerge.
I just hope my kids can forgive me.
No not at all it been 20 years and he has no ideal who I am…he never really wanted to know.
I think when we dated I was for the most part. but now no I am not at all who I want to be when he is around. Cuz he hates those kind of people so maybe he really hates me.
If you can’t be yourself with your husband, then you probably are married to the wrong man.
My husband and I can hardly speak to each other without arguing about something. It is almost always something really stupid, too! For example, in the morning we both come downstairs for coffee. Today, he was on the computer when I came down stairs. I asked him what he was doing. He said he was “facebooking” and I simply asked who are you facebooking with at 7:00am? I didn’t mean anything by it. We both use facebook to talk to all of the same people, so it was really just a question. “Who are you chatting with, reading a note from, etc….” He got all defensive and assumed I thought that he is on the computer too much or that maybe I might think he is talking to someone I wouldn’t approve of. I don’t think either of those things, but he just freaks out on me over stupid stuff. Another good example would be if he is doing something in the next room and I ask him, “What-cha up to in there?”. He will totally flip out and get all defensive and he might not be doing anything in there apart from playing scrabble on his PDA. It’s stupid, really. I can’t talk to him, so I just have to be myself around other people. I don’t know what is going to happen to us. We have been married for 2 years and have a little girl, too.
I could pass gas and burp in front of my husband - but I think those things are disgusting and better done privately. It’s simple respect for others. I don’t do that in front of friends, children or anyone else - why would I do it in front of the man that loves me and says I am beautiful. (NOT) I do end up naked but I don’t do it purposely and that is only due to my hang-ups. I like a dark room! I also don’t believe the ability to pass gas and burp in front of your man makes for a good or bad relationship. It’s just your choice if you are comfortable doing stuff like that.
I can burp, go naked, go without maked up (easy one since I never wear any lol), etc.. That’s all physical.
Unfortunately, I don’t feel like I can be the “me” I am around friends. A friend would see me as a talker. Someone who laughs and who makes up sarcastic/silly jokes all the time. I dance and sing around friends. I give opinion on subjects and can speak intelligently.
My husband is so judgmental and sarcastic (mean sarcasm) towards me that the silly, risk taking, quick witted, IQ 132 joker turns into this meek little mouse who has to dodge huge ostrich size eggshells when he’s around.
My real flaw is that I’m a peacekeeper by nature. He’s like a bull in a china shop.
I lose my voice, literally. It’s like the volume level gets stuck at one. So, he gets mad and yells at me for mumbling or he ignores me completely. Then he wonders why I don’t sit and watch tv with him (what HE wants to watch). His presence makes me nervous most of the time.
I was once a woman who landed a TV production job through the power of my kick-butt cover letter. Now I’m a SAHM who wonders who the heck would hire me if HE can’t even stand me. I sit and cry looking through job sites.
I’m sure this is part of the reason he’s like this. He doesn’t respect me not bringing in $$ and not being a complete neat freak. This can be the only inference I can come up with for the little passive-aggressive random jabs he makes at me daily (over buying a magazine for $5, me not noticing hair behind the toilet, $10 long distance calls to my mom, etc..).
Ironically, he gets mad at his mother for the way she treats everyone. She makes jabs at her husband, tells him what to do, etc.. Oh the irony.
I am completely myself…it would be tiring pretending for 20 years. He has seen the good the bad and the really ugly!
No. Not in the least. He is not my safe place. I act around him like I would an angry stranger. Actually worse than that. He does know me and doesn’t like a single thing about me. I really mean that - not a single thing.
Not really any more. Been married 30 years and for the last 2 it seems I can do nothing right. I watch everything I say and pretty much walk on egg shells around him. I save all my receipts so he can see how much I saved(coupons,sales.etc.) Never buy myself anything unless ABSOLUTELY neccessary. He liked me the way I was 30 years ago but now all he seems to want from me is to be or act like someone else. I have totally lost myself. Have NO self esteem left. Do not think he really wants to be with the real me anymore. Sad isen’t it. But if I do not do and act as he wants then he says he wiil divorce me. After being a stay at home mom I have no work skills so he knows hes got me between a rock and a hard place with nowhere to go. No wonder women want to work outside the home so they don’t end up like me. I just didn’t have the heart or money to send all my children to daycare so I stayed home and raised them. Oh well.
I can be and have been completely myself around my good husband. He tells me all the time how pretty he thinks I am–and I have bad skin and bad hair days, post pregnancy stretch marks, etc.
But I try to remember that when he goes out to work, he sees other women at their best who ARE’NT burping or passing gas or wearing frumpy pajamas, and I make sure he still sees me at my best as much as possible. I don’t worry about him wandering, but I want him to be proud of who he married (so I’m really particular about my looks when I leave the house).
However, part of our connection/attraction is far beyond looks and I know we have that amazing, deep, unearthly bond. I love him! He just walked in and told me I look good!!
yes I can totally be myself around him. That’s what he loves about me the most. Why be fake. If you can’t be yourself around your spouse then you shouldn’t be with them.
After 20 years of marriage, I am going to have to say, “no”. I am very genuinely happy for all of you who can express who you really are around your spouse. My husband and I married a year out of high school, and I did not realize that his father had such a distaste and disrespect for women. My husband observed the whole world being centered around his father his entire life. His mother now takes care of him as if he were a child. My husband is negative towards me and really shows no interest at all in knowing who I am. I think that I have discovered that he really does not like how I am. He is constantly trying to change me to bend to his thoughts, opinions, etc. He continually speaks down to me. I have tried to bring this to his attention many times and he just says that I don’t get what is going on, which is another put down. Everything is about him. He recently expressed a desire to spend time with the kids and I after not showing much interest in us for awhile. He plea was that he was lonely. Whenever he gets lonely, he wants company, but after we are around him for awhile, he gets short with us and unhappy with everything that we are doing! He likes the idea of a lot of things. He does not romance me in any way and I have never been on a romantic getaway with him. He is very good at portraying the image of a great husband. Most people think that he is good to me. When they are not around, he is cold and indifferent, unless he wants sex, then he gropes me and grabs me and gets intensely mad if I turn him down. He is so disappointed in me most of the time. My self-esteem is low as I am low. My sin is that I have become bitter and defensive after years of emotional cut-downs. I can only wish that someone would show me any attention or interest because they want to know me. His interest in me is to serve him and meet his needs. Otherwise, he has no real desire to know me intimately. Please pray for me. I have no one to talk to at all.
YES! But sometimes I wish it wasn’t that way. I wish I could feel like a “better person” and NOT myself when I’m around him — sure, it happens sometimes, but there’s much more farting and burping and “being ourselves” in a somewhat negative way in our time together these days, rather than sharing our previous deep conversations about philosophy, music and literary figures.
Yeah, I can. In fact, he’s one of a few people (maybe the only) who really sees the real me. Even though we fight and clash sometimes, it’s comforting to know that he’s seen some really and I mean really ugly sides of me and yet he’s still here. Life isn’t perfect, by far, but basically I can be myself around him. (Okay, I can’t fart. He hates that. Not that I want to. And in 11 years of marriage, he has never farted in my presence. And you know what, I’m okay with that.)
hi, i’ve never written in one of these personal forums before, but some of your stories have inspired me and helped me and so i would like to express some things myself. i have been in a relationship for three and a half years and i find it really hard to be myself because of many reasons. Critical judgement and negative reactions from my man don’t help, but i have to come to the realisation that the only person responsible for this mistake is me. I can not expect the most important thing ‘loving yourself’ to be easy! it is the gateway to the best things in life - it cannot be easy! i would like to congratulate those of u who can be completely themselves with their better half - im happy for u, keep it up =) but to the rest, who like me find it hard to just let go, think about this…nobody can really stop u from being urself - except YOU! your spouse and everyone else can discourage u through their own behaviour but still that can not stop u- it will only stop u if u let it stop u!
FEAR is the problem. when you act out of fear and not out of love you are furthering yourself away from who you really are! it is not easy, but i believe it is well worth it. fear is crippling - perhaps the worst disease of the mind and heart.
everything has its consequences! we can either keep living in fear expecting something miraculous to happen till we can be ourselves, but seriously when will that happen? it has to be us that makes that miracle happen! we have to open the doors to our soul and let our spirit free. NOBODY can do that for us! only we have that power - don’t give that power away!
love is what we are living for and if we cannot love ourselves, we can not really and truly love an other! writing this is really not only a message to u, but also really helpful to me because i have been thinking about this a lot for a long time, and this is the conclusion i have come to and this is the conscious decision i am taking. i can no longer live in fear, i can no longer be anyone but myself, i can no longer beat myself up for every mistake - shit happens! i need to be strong, believe in myself and accept myself before i point the finger at anyone else for not doing so! i am ready to accept the consequences for being who i am and loving myself, but i am not ready to live in fear and sadness as someone who i am not. besides from what i have learnt through my experience…no matter how much i try to please someone by not being myself, i still never manage to please anyone. so why waste that energy and time? =)
Love & Compassion to you and all others!
thank u for listening and sorry for the long post =)
Wow, I thought I could. It seems like all through our dating I was. I always have been. I never hid anything from anyone. Until now… I don’t feel like I can even talk to my husband. Which was in so many ways a forced marriage. We had dated for about 2 years and then I got pregnant… Well, long story short, my CANADIAN baby daddy got stuck in Canada when our son was only 3 days old. In the pressure of everything I went up there and got married, in my jeans and T-shirt with no family or friends there. And then moved all of our stuff up there alone.
So now I am living in Canada with NO friends or family and a husband who doesn’t like me. As a matter of fact, he told me that he hated me today, and to pack up my shit and leave if I am not happy. Does he not get that I have NO WHERE to go because of him? I am a college graduate who can’t get a job bc of me ViSA status and have less self esteem than I could ever have imagined… Please if you are out there and reading this, don’t get married because you feel like you have to!!! Wait until you want to. Wait until you FEEL loved and can love in return. I love my son so very much and he is the only reason that I am still here. My husband keeps a roof over our heads and food in the babies belly so we are here for now….
Where is my love potion #9?
I hear ya sistah! My DH is american and I am Canadian and due to the costly immigration papers … I haven’t been able to properly file papers in 6 plus years… There have been times I have wanted to leave and come back to Canada… The only thing that keeps me here is him. I know God destined me here for a purpose sometimes I have no idea why but I pray and better myself in hopes that my fruits of labour will someday flourish… I have no one but him and his “people” out here but I feel comforted knowing God wouldn’t have me here for no reason…
For the most part, yes, I am myself around my husband. I do go through minor bouts of depression and I don’t let anyone know when I’m experiencing it. I pretty much put on a “happy face” for him and the kids which I guess you can do if you’re just experiencing mild depression from time to time. My husband just doesn’t understand these kinds of things since he doesn’t experience them so I keep it to myself.
My husband is one of the only people I can really be myself around. I had trouble with it at first, but after three years of marriage I am absolutely comfortable with him. He’s my best friend, and we don’t hide anything from each other!
Well, sometimes I can be myself. In the early years I was totally my self. He has an ability to say cruel things when he is angry. That has caused me to not always feel free to be myself. Later when he is angry I’ll hear all about my faults.
I CANT BE MYSELF WITH MY HUSBAND, HIS ALREADY TRYING TO CHANGE ME. I CAN BE WITH OUT MAKEUP IN FRONT OF HIM CAUSE I DONT REALY WEAR MAKE UP. I CANT CHANGE IN FRONT OF HIM SOME REASON AND HE CANT EITHER. DONT KNOW WHY. I BURP IN FRONT OF HIM BUT HE DOESNT LIKE IT, BUT I STILL DO IT. I CANT PASS GAS. I CAN BE AND ACT LIKE MYSELF ALL THE TIME BUT HE DOESNT LIKE THAT. HE THINKS IM CRAZY WHEN I DO. SO REALLY I DONT BE MYSELF WIHT MY HUSBAND.
my hubby is the only person I can be myself with and not weird him out! I do everything in front of him it doesn’t matter…one time we were at a public park where the bathrooms where closed and there was no locale in site, so we stepped onto a construction site and he looked out for me while I squatted and relieved myself.
I can do all of the physical stuff…burp, fart, no make-up, etc. But, emotionally, it is so hard. I’m dealing with depression, which is hard for him to understand. He supports my getting meds and therapy, but I often think he doesn’t feel he has to do anything else to support me. It seems like he blames my depression for whatever I’m feeling. Very frustrating!
No! I feel like he married me because he was 35 and wanted a family. He critisizes everything I do and nothing is ever good enough. My son is not his and he is very hard on him and me. My daughter is perfect in his eyes and even at the young age of 3 has become very dominating and mean even. I so want out of this marrige and cant afford to leave him. I havent worked in years and have bad credit. He used to be my best friend when we were younger and now I just feel like he wants to form me into who he wants and not really pay attention of who I am… He never lets me have a day by myself and has told me he is affraid of me leaving the house to go to the store because I may find someone else in that hour at wal mart…
I have to say this question really gets to me. I love my husband, but he doesn’t always get things about me, and I often feel the need to keep my mouth shut because he has a tendency to try to “correct” me if I say ANYTHING he doesn’t agree with or he thinks is wrong. Basically, it’s a hit or miss thing with him. Sometimes I can totally let loose and he loves me for it, other times, he can get irritated or angry about something I say or do. I think he has emotional issues, which in turn, makes me have emotional issues. Physically, I feel completely open with him, but mentally and emotionally? Not so much. That isn’t easy to admit.